When it comes to love and romance, I have my reservations. I have been there once, and I didn’t like how I felt when it ended. I tried again, even doe I didn’t fall so deep like the first time. I still didn’t like how I felt when it ended.
I am 30 and single. How do I feel about being single at 30? It’s kind of a mixed feeling. Some days I enjoy being single, the freedom that comes with it. Other days I feel so alone that I desperately want someone to actually be there for me romantically.
When it comes to praying and asking God about what I want, I don’t even know where to start from; because my list is so long and I am not even sure about the things I really want.
Especially when it comes to Love and Marriage, do I really want it? Sometimes I feel like I do. Other times, I feel like I am better off single. But what’s so wrong or bad about being loved? I guess I feel like I don’t deserve. But what if I actually do deserve?
Okay I get it, I don’t like ‘ME’ so why would anyone like me? My height plays a huge role when it comes to inferiority complex. I don’t feel good enough about my body. Whew!
But contrary to that, I have a great body I hope, I am just 5.1ft short or tall. Or maybe I need to invest more in my looks? Let’s see how that goes.
So back to not deserving, thinking about it now, I actually do deserve. I am not so much of a bad person, I deserve true love.
Let me think deeper, why can’t I ask God for the things I really do want? I feel like its farfetched, am I doubting God? Or His capabilities? God forbid.
So what is it then? My faith can’t carry it? Well; I guess so. Does it seem impossible? No it doesn’t.
Here is the thing, when it comes to Love, I have always asked God, OH please God I want some true fairytale love. I like someone, and I go all spiritual, like God make it work with this person, I speak into existence like I hear people say. And when everything eventually goes south? I am like; oh well maybe God doesn’t want that person for me.
So let’s say right now, I have 3 persons in mind that I really like, and I am so confused, I don’t know how to target the prayer. I like 3 guys. Ranking them in my head, I know who comes first, but he has his bad sides. But the real question is; do they like me like I do them? I guess so; at some point all three have somehow expressed their feelings. So I am not just imagining this or having a stray feeling
Hmm, scrabbling this down made me realized something. Erase all 3. Focus on something or someone new. It’s okay to unlike someone.
So what next, pray about it? Pray about what exactly? Finding the right partner? Or the right partner finding me?
First, I guess I need to make up my mind. Do I want love and marriage? Do I feel deserving? I guess I do. I WANT IT. All of it.
So this has helped me reach a decision. Erase all 3 guys that I really like, and keep an open mind for someone new. Hopefully the right man will come along, and not leave. And I have also figured out how to pray about this.
Scribble Thoughts with Mo.
A lot of things go on in my head/life
I converse with myself a lot
So I have decided to share some of it
It might be boring or interesting
I don’t know, it’s left for you to decide.