At heart we all have the capacity to heal ourselves and nurture others. Spirit, energy, thought, intention, skillful practice and belief are available to all. Yet as individuals we experience life force which brings us on different paths to troll.
I have always known that I am a healer. As a child, I was thoughtful, inquisitive, dreamy, and extremely nurturing. I remember caring for my neighbor’s kids, caring extensively for my toys and also my friends and stranded insects that got caught in spider’s web and caring a whole lot about the bigger picture of life. I was always worried about tomorrows and not todays.
I live in a very big fantasy world. I love love, I love to love and I love to be loved. My caring and kind nature turned out to be my weakness. I have experienced hurt, pain, emotional trauma and need I say depression. I have yearned for love like Cinderella and the Prince, Anastasia and the Prince, Snow White and the Prince, Rapunzel and the Prince! Not like I have not experienced love though, I have but it’s not always with the happily ever after end of story. Rather it ends with the heartbreak. I have had so many stories to tell but who is ready to listen to this loner.
Growing up I was showered with so much love and care from my parents. I was adored and treated like a princess that I am and always will be. But I never felt loved by family (relatives, friends etc.). I was and I am still the only child of my parents, though pampered but not spoilt. I grew up knowing that I give out love but receive pain, I heal people but can’t heal myself. I only knew what love entails from what my parents showed me and I was ready to give out more to someone out there, but the more I gave out positivity, I get negativity. And that got me asking myself; don’t I deserve love from the outside world or will I only remain a healer and not the healed?
My very first love experience was almost perfect but death took him away from me within 8months of our relationship. It took me 2years to pull down my walls and try love again but I got another shocker within 4months, he bailed out giving some flimsy excuse.
I made efforts for him, and I was his motivator and support system. Unfortunately he slammed me hard one fateful night when he told me bluntly via chat that it was over and blocked my lines almost immediately. I felt totally rejected but then I picked myself up and moved on (1year gone, Dude came back; of course he got a shocker).
3years off the lane of relationship and love or even getting acquainted, Hugs happened. Not like I never had men flocking around me, I felt no man was able to connect with me on an instant wave. With HUGS, a simple hi ignited the flame.
24th September 2019 was the day he accepted my request and our first Facebook chat is still stock in my head. Though I was the one who sent the request and it was on the basis that he was a face I saw during my college days (2007 – 2011) but words never flowed between us neither did eye contact roll. Beamed with so much excitement and blushes, I waved at him via chat; and then came his first line of hello. Well the connection ignited, and we moved to a more comfortable and accessible platform Whatsapp. My first word to him on whatsapp was, “I am going to change your name to HUGS, because you send me lots of huggie smileys.” He accepted it and was totally cool with it. HUGS turned out to be our name.
We both called each other HUGS. He really took me on a roller coast ride, or should I say on a sea dive. He flipped my emotions and tossed them out of this world. The energy I got from him, from us, from every hello, whatsapp call (audio and video), voice note, pictures, goodnights, chats, laughter, smiles, and to every full stops, HUGS took me on a whole different turn. He pulled and broke down my iron walls with a snap, how did he manage to do that? I became way vulnerable; I yearned to hear his voice every night and every day. I anxiously waited for his calls and chats. He turned out to be the shadow I always wanted to tell about my day, if it was an eventful one or not, stressful or productive. This whole thing was reciprocal from his end, I wasn’t alone, and he was with me all the way. He made time for me not minding his busy schedule, the attention he dished out to me was epic, I knew about his every movement. He was not only my Hugs, but also my glowing antidote, my muse, my desire, my fantasy, my support system. As an intoxicating distraction, he came into my life and brought along lots of smiling energy, he brought me my skill to write – he actually revived back the writing skill I dropped years ago. I prayed for this not to stop or not to drop but to grow stronger by every minute, but Hugs is not here. He is in the European part of the world and thousands of miles away from me.
Distance, Distance, Distance. A lot happened after we had a dialogue about us, the energy, the feeling and then the explosion boom we were not on same page. To him distance was one of the factors, to me I had no factor. I was ready to adapt, accommodate, sacrifice and do much more just so the fire he lit up in me continues to burn and not ever dim. He was a character in my story, a chapter in my book that I never wanted to erase. But then things were bound to happen…. Maybe for just two months and not forever.
HUGS, if you ever come across this; I want you to know that I miss you; I miss us, the constant calls, yearnings to hear your voice, anticipatory talks about how soon you are coming back. I don’t always believe that timing and distance should be a barrier in moving a friendship forward, sure it makes it harder but it doesn’t make it impossible. I am a firm advocate that things have a way of falling into place, of happening naturally and I am a dense believer that if something is meant to happen, then against all odds, it will ensue. Hence if our chronicle does not close stages here, I anticipate we will still be same when we are back. I can only but hope that….
- I hope it will still be effortless to converse to each other about everything and nothing,
- I hope we can still find intensity and meaning in our most random conversations
- I hope we can still feel the same comfort and ease of sharing things with each other
- I hope we can still calm each other down when everything else is so overwhelming.
- I hope I don’t lose an inch of respect for you, I hope I can still admire your qualities whether you’re near or far, I wish I can still ask you for advice and I hope you still care.
- I hope that we will get to meet, hold hands, look into each other’s eyes (I promise I won’t be shy), go on road trips,
- I hope you will still take me to the Museum in Germany you told me about, we can try some fun activities like taking salsa class, playing ps4 soccer game (I know I am not a football fan) but I still remember clearly that you are a Liverpool diehard fan.
- I hope that this time apart made us realize how much we mean to each other. I hope our story is not like all other short stories, I hope our story is long, full of plot twists, surprises, lessons and I hope our story has a happy ending.
I hope we can look back at this time as an intermission not an ending, as a cliffhanger not the end of a show and I hope we’re meant to go our separate ways so we can reunite again rather than drift apart. However if this is the end of the story; if this is all it will ever be, then I wish when we eventually cross paths (i.e. if it ever happens) we’re both happy. If I ever see you and I don’t feel a thing, I pray there are no bitterness, no resentment and no sadness. I still wish you the very best in whatever you do.
He ended with my last year and didn’t venture into my new year. We have become strangers that never happened or crossed paths. Its quiet creepy how all this started online and ended online but the pain it struck is way deeper than a physical heart break. He decided to back out of this and out of us solely on his own decision without involving me. It’s more like, I don’t have a say. He gave me a description of a perfect love god, played the role so well for a designated period and snapped off. Won’t be bad for me to think that he scripted this whole episode, he is the story teller and writer. No lies, I miss him and the moments but we were not meant to be in each other’s. I wish to exchange some days of my tomorrows just to go back to all yesterdays with him. We only existed in a fairytale world.
Is this good enough for me to say all men are scum? To an extent yes and no.
Do I rebuild those walls again?
Written By Destiny Nolims